I want a Jim Halpert...or do I?

Shortly after the conclusion of the season premiere of The Office I was hit with this thought, "I want a Jim Halpert in my life." In this episode Jim proposed to Pam after roughly 4 years of him liking her. Their relationship is fun, flirty, sarcastic, and ultimately romantic. It took time, and there were obstacles in the way, but they finally got engaged.

Directly after I thought, "I want a Jim Halpert in my life." I thought "But you don't want a husband." If you know me you know that I feel that singleness is my biggest blessing and my biggest curse in my life. I feel that one of the biggest points of confusion in my life is how often I go back and forth between desiring after a relationship and believing that I am not going to be in one (or am not called by God to be in one).

I guess it makes me question whether or not I am actually content in my walk with the Lord, or if I am just being wishy washy in my thoughts, and convictions. After pondering here, while typing and talking to Hannah about it, I have come to this. I don't believe that either statement I made is false. (That reminds me of Dwight). I believe that both of them are authentically me. I do wish to be in a relationship (or engaged) I also don't want a husband (ie: to be married). Keep in mind that I don't plan to date just to date but to date for the purpose of marriage. With all this in mind I do want to date or be engaged and I don't want it at the same time, it's confusing but I am okay with that.

I do believe that someday the Lord may potentially bless me with a marriage. However, I don't feel like that time is right now, but that doesn't stop the nagging feeling that I would like to be "liked" or engaged, but I am content with knowing that it may not happen right now, or that it may not happen at all. God is my ultimate authority and though I don't believe He has said no to marriage, it is not happening right now this minute in my life.

So, I do want a Jim Halpert in my life, and I don't want to be married right now, and I am okay with both of those thoughts being in my head at the same time. I am still content. God is still in charge.