You are amazing.

I got a text today from a guy friend. This isn't abnormal, we actually text every day or so about all sorts of different things. Yesterday we hosted an Easter dinner together for other Easter orphans that didn't have a place to go to celebrate the Lord's resurrection.

Today I got a text that said, "Thanks for all your help with the Easter dinner. You are amazing."

The minute I got it my stomach dropped a bit. Immediately I knew that I would never delete the text. I pretended that the amazing part of the text didn't happen and sent him a text back but my brain kept thinking about it all day long.

Did he mean it?

Did he mean to use a different word?

Does his definition of amazing and mine match?

I found myself wishing that he used the word awesome. I don't think that I would have thought twice about the word awesome if he used it, but I have been thinking about the word amazing since I got the text.

Part of me is wishing he meant it and part of me is wishing that he didn't mean it. If I said it to him I would mean it. He is amazing and I love being around him. But I wish I could have seen his face as he typed it, did he mean amazing or did he mean awesome or great?

I am not one to receive compliments. I have been damaged by guys saying really hurtful things to me over and over. I think the thing that strikes me is that I don't believe that I have ever been called amazing before and definitely not from someone that I would want to think of me as amazing.

I have been called every name in the book, I have been embarrassed and have had my heart broken more times than I can count. I have no trouble believing that I am worthless or not pretty. I do have trouble believing that someone could find me amazing. I wish for it but it has never happened so I don't believe in it happening even though I want it to.

I wish he could know that he messed with my head with one word today, but the truth is, he will never find out unless he did mean the word. Amazing. One word that messed up my thoughts for today. One word that if it was actually meant could change my life.

But for now, I will do my best to forget that it was said (aside from keeping the text) and continue praying that God would keep my mind pure towards this guy and that I would view him as a brother and not a potential husband. That has proved through time to be easier said than done.

UPDATE: Turns out he meant the word. That is why this is posted, more posts to come.